Volunteering at World Championships

In February 2023, I volunteered at the FIS Alpine World Ski Championships. I retired from alpine skiing almost a decade ago and in my last season, I missed out on the selection criteria for the World Championships by a hairline. It was a devastating blow in the midst of what was already a season of many failures. Thus, to be able to have the opportunity to participate in the World Championships as a volunteer was very appealing. If I remember correctly, the venue was announced around the time of my volunteering at the Winter Youth Olympic Games in 2020. I had a positive and fulfilling experience volunteering there, so I decided I would volunteer for the World Championships in 2023 particularly because it was being held in the very ski resort I learnt to ski and spent my foundation years as an athlete training there. As soon as the applications opened, I submitted one!

When I retired I had no interest or desire to ski. I was hurting and hated the sport. It took a while for me to conjure up the desire to return to the slopes again.

The test event for these World Championships was held last March in the form of the World Cup Finals. I was assigned to the intervention team which was responsible for any repairs to the gates and safety fencing, as well as assisting with any crashes to recover equipment and make sure the athlete did not need any medical assistance. The World Cup Finals run for about 6 days and because I wanted to show my commitment to the role and my willingness to work, I took two weeks of annual leave to make sure I was there prior to the competitions to assist with the rigging of the events. Thus, I was involved with TV cabling prior to the first day of the World Cup Finals and helped set up the finish areas in Courchevel and Meribel. This trip was actually the first time I had put skis on in 7 years. When I retired I had no interest or desire to ski. I was hurting and hated the sport. It took a while for me to conjure up the desire to return to the slopes again. But putting my skis back on last March, it felt so good. It was as if I had never been away. I could ski more or less as good as I used ski, albeit feeling a little less fit than those days! Coming back to the mountains where my journey as a ski racer had begun many years ago gave me so much joy and I came across many people I had known from my childhood. I had a great time.

Fast forward to this year, I was assigned to the same team and in the same role as the previous year. However, there was definitely a different vibe to the World Championships compared to the World Cup Finals. To begin with, the duration of the event was longer as it spanned across two weeks, rather than fitting into less than one week. Additionally, the men and women’s competitions were split across two different ski resorts. Typically, the competitions are hosted in one location, not two. Yet in this case, there were two resorts co-hosting which meant as far as the competitions were concerned and the distribution of workers, it felt very separated. I worked solely on the men’s events in Courchevel, which left me feeling completely disconnected from the women’s competitions. Furthermore, on a more personal level, World Championships was something that was attainable for me to compete at as an athlete. Whereas the World Cup Finals was most likely not something on my horizon, as you have to finish the season ranked in the top 25 in the World Cup standings in order to attend. Hence the emotions that surfaced during those two weeks working at the World Championships were definitely different to how I felt and experienced the World Cup Finals.

Initially upon my arrival at the World Championships and during the first week I felt positive about being back in the alps and working at the event. But those feelings shifted a bit as I entered the second week and the technical events began (which were what I was strongest at when I was competing). I started to have my head gremlins surface and began to whisper at me. My head gremlins are the name I give to the voices of self doubt that stir every now and again to question my worthiness. The reason I give them this name is to remind me they are not a reflection of reality; they are just a self-critical and not a self-compassionate perception. During the second week, they began to say some very hurtful things such as “You should have been at this World Championships competing, like those people you used to compete with and be as good as, not here on the sidelines wearing the outfit of a volunteer.” and “Who do you think you are, trying to act like you are somebody again by doing this? People will think you’ve not been able to let go and move on. They will see you as being big-headed and self-important because you’re posting on social media about this. But you’re not somebody. You’re just a nobody who didn’t achieve anything worthy in her sport.” …I know. They’re pretty harsh! But rather than cry and belittle myself by listening to them, I just chose to own my story and share what was going on in my head with my boyfriend, a few good friends and my mum. By owning my story to those that I wanted to share it with, I was able to acknowledge them, label them as head gremlins and let them go. 

But rather than cry and belittle myself by listening to them, I just chose to own my story…

However, I am nonetheless grateful they surfaced; which may sound odd but hear me out on this one! Returning to the world of ski racing as a volunteer at the World Championships empowered me with some key realisations and perspectives. Hearing my head gremlins surface and talk, which was ultimately triggered by me being at the World Championships, reminded me how they so often surfaced when I was competing (except I didn’t know what they were back then and was therefore not able to identify them). Thus I realised how grateful I am for having a life now that is totally removed from skiing. I could have very easily stayed in the world of ski racing and skiing in general, even by working as an airline pilot. At one point when I was working in Paris at the start of my career, an opportunity came up to transfer to Geneva. If I had been single at the time, I probably would have taken the transfer with a view to spend my days off in the winter skiing. I could have also been a ski instructor in the French ski school. Or if I had followed one path I nearly took (which was to study Sport Science at university), I could have ended up working in a professional role within the competitive sports industry. Thanks to my head gremlins surfacing, I now know that if I had stayed connected to that past, I would have always had this longing for what once was and what ‘could have been’. I don’t think I would have been able to let go in the same way that I have been able to thanks to the life I have built since my retirement. Had I have stayed in the world of ski racing / skiing, I would have been more regularly reminded of the fact I didn’t achieve my three biggest goals which were to compete at World Cup level, compete at the World Championships and to compete at the Olympic Games. That doesn’t sound like a very peaceful way to live one’s life!

As I am writing this and you are reading it, there are a lot of ‘could haves’ with regards to my life and it’s path. They didn’t work out. Instead, I built this whole life away from everything I had previously known and I am so grateful for the fact my life turned out this way. By taking the path I have gone down, I was able to find who I am inherently and discover that I am enough, I am worth myself here and now. I have been able to flourish away from the memories and identities of my past, which feels very wholehearted and liberating. I no longer question my worthiness, unlike when I was an athlete. Back then, I found that because I was constantly wanting to meet qualifying criteria and wanting to be the best (not MY best, but THE best), if I failed to meet those criteria even by the smallest of margins, I didn’t feel worthy. Ultimately, it affected my passion for competing. What I should have been doing (which I now know through hindsight of course) is not comparing myself to others or to the standard others are seemingly enforcing onto me; but instead acknowledging I was on my own path and that the path to my end goal may look completely different to that of my fellow competitors. 

By taking the path I have gone down, I was able to find who I am inherently and discover that I am enough, I am worth myself here and now.

Another thing I have taken away from my experience at the World Championships (that I already knew but had not really practiced) is to acknowledge when I am not being valued and let it go. I know I do not fit into the world of ski racing anymore. I know a lot of people in that world and I did see a lot of people I knew at the World Championships going as far back as 20 years ago, but just because I know these people it does not mean I fit in, and that’s ok! My worth is found within myself and thus not in being valued by a world I was previously a part of is a credit to my own self growth away from competitive sport. I am still passionate about my sport and I love watching the World Cup on TV, but I do not belong in its world any more.

Thus, volunteering at the World Championships has been the necessary cherry on the Closure Cake with regards to my past as a British alpine ski racer. I needed to do this to finally finish moving on from the world of ski racing. It has taken me eight years. I’ve had eight years of grieving, growing in moving on. Sometimes I’ve questioned why it has taken so long and whether I should have taken less time or felt something differently. But I also know skiing was a huge part of my life and that my journey away from it is indeed my journey, hence it will look different to someone else’s. I first put skis on when I was barely able to walk so of course moving fully on from it took a lot of time and a lot of gradual processing. I am proud of the journey I have been on and as I finally close the chapter on the ski racing world, a new chapter is ready to be written: the Athlete Interactions chapter!